Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Angry Birds Concoct Derision

Angry Birds Concoct Derision

Hungering for justice, I turn to the Journal Star editorial page each morning at breakfast, eagerly looking for these apologies to satisfy my hunger.

As your president, with great humility, I apologize for destroying the protections of conscience which our laws afforded all Americans before I took power. I am returning the Nobel Peace Prize, which I did not earn, but keeping as my watchwords those spoken by Mother Teresa in her Nobel Prize acceptance speech: The greatest destroyer of peace today is abortion, because it is a direct war, a direct killing - direct murder by the mother.”

I apologize to our Catholic Church, our hospitals, health care workers, bishops and my fellow Catholics for threatening them with policies which would close down our ministries of mercy to the sick and the dying. For my penance, after each cabinet meeting, I promise to volunteer to provide real health care, not contraceptives, to people suffering from real diseases.”

“Although we are only 14% of the faculty, we regret the embarrassment caused to the whole Notre Dame community, by sowing discord against Bishop Daniel Jenky. We adopt his courageous warning to our country not to follow the paths of other countries who have attacked the Catholic Church. For our part, we urge Notre Dame president Fr. Jenkins to award an honorary degree to Norma McCorvey, the original Roe in Roe vs. Wade, but now a pro-life Catholic mother proud of the daughter whom she contemplated aborting in the real war on women. [See http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_happened_to_the_Roe_v._Wade_baby ] With Dr. Alan Keyes and the other 86 peaceful persons arrested on our campus for praying outside where President Obama received honors, she deserves an honorary degree for the two years of persecution before dismissal of all criminal charges.”

“We apologize to Bishop Jenky for our Archie Bunker impressions, insinuating that he should just shut up. Our bigotry put him down as responsible for lax supervision of subordinates decades and even centuries before he became bishop.”

“We apologize for appropriating all the suffering of World War II to ourselves, forgetting that courageous Americans of all faiths were responsible for ending that suffering. In remembrance and gratitude, we pledge to watch Saving Private Ryan this Memorial Day.”

For my part, recalling that “Anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment,” I apologize in advance for any anger these words may cause those angry birds. Should they decide, however, to cast me into their “cereal” den of derision, I promise not to be angry, but rather, to be glad and rejoice, knowing that I could not be in better company. Lions, got room for another Daniel?

Daniel J. Smith